Check this out. If you wanna get your fatass into shape (and you know you do), I’ve some totally great news. All you need to do is follow this great new workout routine. I discovered it only last month, and have since rigorously tested its seaworthiness; ’til I am now happily able to report that it works goddam famously. I call it “The Watermelon Workout” because…well, see if you can guess why.
It works like this:
First, get your fatass out of bed, and hoof it to the store.
Now, purchase a nice, workout-sized Watermelon. None o’ this personal-/mini-watermelon bullshit; I’m talkin’ a nice fifteen- to twenny-pound fruit, yo.
Then, carry it on home. (I suppose a bit of rolling would even be acceptable…but only a bit, mind!) At first, you’ll find this a right challenging endeavour — especially if you’re doing some one-armed carrying (remember to use your non-dominant arm, too, beeyatch) as well.
You’ll soon find yourself capable (not to mention daydreaming) of even more. And so you can! Indeed, this is where the fun comes in. Time to get the blood really pumping with some watermelon curls, one-armed curls, overhead lifts, behind-the-head lifts, rows — you name it. Hell, I’ve even added some throws to my routine! Be as creative as you dare! (But don’t let your walking-pace flag too much, sucka.)
Best part of all: once you and the melon have arrived safely home, you are allowed (it’s not only a workout, but free diet advice, too, y’see…) to eat it. In its entirety, even, if you like. What other workout lets you eat a frickin’ watermelon at the end? Fuckin’ none, I’ll wager!
By the way: no fair living a block (or what) from the store. Or else, use a different store to the store located a block (or what) from you household.
Oh, also by the way: killerest watermelon-opening method is as follows. Just up and drop it from on high. I mean, not from the top of the fucking Vatican or some shit; just a nice-easy waist height drop will usually do fine. You only want to crack it open; not get all David Letterman on its dimpled ass. It’s great ’cause you not only open the fucker right on up without need of locating a carving knife; but the process also acts to convert the flesh from smooth to chunky. Easy bite-sized pieces, in other words.
But is The Watermelon Workout as advertised? Fuckin’ too right it works — if you do the work. No pain, no gain, motherfucker! (I mean, don’t give yourself a hernia or nothin’…) BUT, while you’re feelin’ that burn, just always remember: delectitude (a word?) awaits!
Too bad fuckin’ Kubrick’s dead; or I’d have him do up a video of the workout, and then the World would know what this shit is all about. Also too bad that it wasn’t discovered before Wesley Willis’ passing; or head surely be alive — and thriving, to boot — down to this very day.
Well, no matter. It’s The Watermelon Workout all the same, and it’s gonna turn you from a fatass into a freakin’ herculoid!
“The Watermelon Workout” — its time has come. Your time has come.