Presenting, ladies and gentlemen, His Majesty. His image is everywhere you turn — land, sea, or sky. Considering the many different scenarios displayed along with the opulence of the presentations, one may liken the phenomenon to Big Brother crossed with Toad Of Toad Hall.
From all accounts I’ve seen, he’s actually rather a Renaissance man, and truly beloved by the Thais.
Walkin’ to the zoo from the skytrain, some field-tripping kids were most enthusiastically willing to pose for the camera. Thought they might also be headed for the zoo, but then their bus turned down the wrong road.
Walk into the zoo, and what’s the first thing I see? That’s right, Smitty!
The zoo was…I’ve been philosophically opposed to them, though had not visited one in many, many moons. All the guidebooks say it’s great, as did one of the hosteliers, and another hostel guest. So I figured I’d give it a try.
Can’t deny that there were many exotic animals that it was fun and interesting to see.
And the enormous size of some of the animals — giraffes, tigers, ostriches, primarily — was fairly jaw-dropping (as I say, it’s been quite a while since I’d seen any up close). But the pens are so small! Ridiculously so. The animals, unable to really get any exercise, just looked sad and lethargic.
Will acknowledge that the gibbons were rather frisky, and that the hippos seemed happy to take any food that was threwn their way…
…and certainly the signs talk a good game — eliminating poaching, and restoring habitat and all. But overall, it just seems so inhumane.
After leaving the zoo, it was time to get lost in nearby Chinatown yet again. The illustrated maps all have “Giant Swing” among Chinatown’s attractions; and, y’know, who doesn’t want to see a giant swing? So I thought to go check out the Giant Swing, then make my way down to the river, seeing the sights along the way, and hopping the river taxi back down to Silom area.
The maps were steering me wrong, however. Keep using them because, much like the drunk looking for his keys under the lamp-post, that’s all I’ve got! Probably with all the consulting of the maps, I look like an easy mark. (Or, perhaps, the first rule in Bangkok scamming is: “Gringo Yankee = Easy Mark!”)
Not one, but two different grifters approached me, scoffed at my idea of going to see the Giant Swing, and proceeded to explain that it was “National Buddha Day”, and so none of the temples were charging entrance fees. Moreover, the government was reimbursing tuk-tuk drivers for their fuel, so they were able to charge reduced rates to-day to give a tour of the temples. Also, the river taxi would not be running, because of activity at the riverside temples.
Only tuk-tuks with yellow licence plates, not white, were giving the discount. One of the grifters, as he was finishing explaining it all, and bidding me good luck, was even so nice as to hail a yellow-licence tuk-tuk for me. After I assured the driver that I didn’t want a ride, he went around the block and offered again before I was finally able to deter him.
This is apparently one of the more infamous scams in the city. All the guidebooks warn about it, as well as the hostels and whatnot. Even the temples have big signs posted.
Good on ’em for the warning, to be sure. But gotta wonder: what if one does want to see some pornonraphy or visit unethical institutes? Could be lots of fun!
Well, I done and gave the grifters the wrong answer, because the Giant Swing can’t be closed due to holiday. So to get me on my way to the unethical institutes, the grifters had to think on their feet a bit. But the thing is, even non-scammers were derisive of my desire to see the Giant Swing. Why would you wanna see that, they kept asking, when there are so many Buddhas to see?
I wanted to always answer, “Why the fuck wouldn’t I want to see the Giant Swing?” But I never, ever did. I don’t know, the thing with the Buddhas…do you really need to see all of them? There’s Sitting Buddha, Standing Buddha, Reclining Buddha, Big Buddha, Black Buddha, Happy Buddha, Sad Buddha, Headphones Buddha, Touchdown Buddha, Rockets’ Red Glare Buddha… You name it, they’ve sculpted it. I think somebody even said that there’s a Skinny Buddha.
Okay, the Buddhas are pretty impressive…
…as are the buildings in which they’re housed…
…but, come on: spend all day looking at Buddhas, or find the Giant Swing? Shouldn’t this be a no-brainer?
And finally, mercifully, wonderfully — after more wrong turns, re-tracings of footsteps, and quizzical gazings at of street signs than I care to remember — I did manage to locate the Giant Swing!
Giant Swing! Yeah! Hope you were sitting down for that!
Later on, back in Silom, chanced to hear a pretty rockin’-sounding band playing in a bar, and went in to check it out. Turns out, they were more than just pretty rocking. They were stone-cold superior. The drummer and guitarist, especially, were just killing it. Possibly the best drummer/guitarist combo I’ve seen since Metric dazzled the Bumbershoot about five years ago.
Kind of a Rockabilly/Surf/Garage/Punk ensemble. Seeing a Thai Punk band with a four-foot-something female vocalist performing “Ring Of Fire”, “Highway To Hell”, “Johnny B. Goode”, and “Blue Suede Shoes” back-to-back (leaving nary a moment to catch their collective breath between songs) whilst Russ Meyer footage (or what) is being rear-projected behind them wasn’t exactly on my list of things to do here. But had I known the possibility existed, it may well have been!
Speaking of rocking, there are very few street musicians here. But did see one yesterday, absolutely ripping the shit out of a Thai guitar, and stopped to watch for a bit. Presumably having noticed my bare feet, he stopped what he was doing and tried to give me 50 Baht! Crazy.
Then, just a few minutes later, I was walking down the street, and stepped on a still-lit cigarette butt, and began to curse up one side and down the other. An American hippie walking behind me offered to get me some shoes. (For the record, that’s the first time I’ve ever stepped on a still-lit cigarette butt. Let’s hope it’s also the last. God damn.)
Sheesh, I must look like some kind of something if I’ve got hippies and street musicians offering to help me out. Too bad my middle name is “He’s So Ethical”, or I could be really cleaning up, here!
Also, met another European juggler. This one a Dutchman, who’s very, very good. But when I told him where I’m from, he burst out with, “Jimi Hendrix was born there!” Huhn, had not been aware that Seattle is seemingly principally known for its rock and/or roll icons. Well, that’s a helluva lot better that being known for Micro$oft, Boeing, and Weyerhaeuser!
Have had this in my head all the day long.
Buried deep in this-here watermelon remainder.
Lovin’ it! But then, who doesn’t love watermelon?
Meanwhile, here’s some better footage of the nightly Lumphini aerobics sessions. Check that crazy old white fucker gettin’ down. Sumbitch isn’t careful, he’s gonna wind up one of the Solid Gold Dancers!
Found a new source for some ace longan action. Some of the fruits are so difficult to open, one’d almost wanna use a nutcracker. But they’re damned good all the same, and much more inexpensive than other vendors’.
Also to-day, went to one of the big humongo-malls to purchase a cleaver with which to open my own coconuts (had been using my little fold-up knife, with my water bottle as a hammer)…and they’re still playing Christmas songs! Me, I’m not complaining.
Met a couple of British dudes. One a fellow juggler who’d seen me juggling, and showed me his impressive skillz. He’s looking into living here permanently and teaching English.
The other on the river taxi; he saw my backpack’s nametag, asked where I’m from, and when I told him, proceeded to ask a bunch of questions about Kurt Cobain whilst telling me of his misfortune getting taken in by Bangkok scammers (which event, he hopes, will bring him good karma).
Apparently I’m the second-ever fruitarian to stay at this hostel in its six-year existence. The previous one, an Italian, didn’t eat any vegetables, however; and he didn’t drink any water save coconut water (came to the right place for that, all right!).
No more real news, except for the best news of all, which is my having come to a realisation; to wit, the best thing about Bangkok: no leaf-blowers!! Instead, the city employs an army of mega-broom wielding hipsters to keep the pathways spic-and-span.
Bet you can’t even recall what it’s like to live in a land without leaf-blowers? I know I sure couldn’t; now, it’s all coming back to me. Perhaps I’m turning into a cranky old geezerman. But I prefer to think that peeps of all ages can agree that leaf blowers are nothing less than outright Satanic. Viva La Mega-Broom!
That’s the current population of Bangkok; I suppose this does not include tourists. Interesting to see not only the breadth of choices, but the sheer magnitude of these street-level operations.
Here’s the scene of a Tuesday morning in some nondescript little alley somewhere deep within the frontiers of Chinatown. Would you believe that motorcycles ply this alley as well? God damn better believe it, ’cause it’s true! They use the alley for deliveries.
And here we have a glimpse of Sampeng Market. No big deal; but this old guy is cool.
Here’s the lowdown on Chinatown: the maps tell one story, the street tells a different story. Put these alternate realities together, and you’ll find that you never know where you are unless you know where you are (if you know what I mean). On the other hand, wherever you (don’t know) where you are, there’ll be something bitchin’-ass cool to see.
Saw a Buddhist monk walking around barefoot, and felt empowered to do the same. Yo, ’cause I had previously received a clarification from the hosteliers, when asking whether it would be considered a violation of the taboo to barefoot it on the grass in the park? They said that as far as they were concerned, I could barefoot it anywhere, so long as I washed my feet before I came inside; or shod up before coming inside, then washed my feet before removing shoes and walking around.
Were it not for the cultural taboo, Bangkok would be a brilliant city in which to barefoot it: no dog-doo, no litter, no broken glass. True, the pavements can get kind of hot, but the feet will over time build up a tolerance, so it’s all good.
Notwithstanding the hoteliers’ generosity, am I pissing off other Bangkokers? Don’t know! Many people make sure I know that I’m not wearing shoes; but they don’t tell me in English what they think of it. Pretty much none of them seem to be offended — though pretty much all of them seem to think I’m a Grade-A Schmutz. I could live with that. (Hell, that’s what most Americans think of barefooters.)
Missed a great opportunity to-day, dammit all. Been trying to learn some basic Thai phrases, and for some reason had found “thank you” a bit difficult to remember. Finally had it all figured (he think). Pulled out a map while on the river taxi, and the young Thai gentlemen next to whom I was sitting asked in English whether I needed any help? I explained that, nah, I was just checking to see how many more stops ’til my own. Then, like a dumb-assed dill-weed, I thanked him…in English!
Oy vey. Did give him the ol’ Wai gesture as I got up to leave, and he did seem to appreciate it. But it just wasn’t the same.
Asked one of the hosteliers whether Bangkok is a fun city to be in during Chinese New Year. The ridiculously obvious nature of the query, it was immediately clear to me, shocked the faculties right on out of her; so that for some seconds she was incapable of anything save for a stupefied/terrified gaze like as though I’d just landed from Planet Moon and asked, “Which way to the cheeze?”
Finally, she returned to her senses, and assented that, yes, Bangkok is a fun city to be in during Chinese New Year. And so, I’ve extended my reservation for two more weeks — the New Year is on the 23rd.
That out of the way, it was back to Khlong Toei Market, where I thought I might get some papayas and longans, and perhaps a watermelon. Ended up with longans, all right — as well as bananas, and jakfruit, and cocos, and longkongs.
And…sapodillas! The very nice patron of the vendor from whom I purchased them said they’d be good to-day, but perfect tomorrow. Thanks god for English-speaking Thais; however, I must learn to ask, “Is it ripe?” in Thai. Had it not been for the white pineapple and the lychees, sapodillas would have been my favourite best fruit on the Big Island. Let’s hope the Thai variety can keep pace!
Later, sitting in the park, minding my own business and drinking my coconuts, I was joined by a grifter. A Laotian, he said, just in town as of last night, having left against the wishes of his father (whom, it so happens, was once bitten by a snake and had to have his finger amputated), because he (the grifter) was sick of being a rice farmer.
He was sleeping at the train station, and being fed by some Buddhist monks. He wanted to get a job in a Japanese restaurant, but couldn’t get a job until he had an address; and needed 500 Baht to pay half the first month’s rent to move in to the place he’d scoped out: a humble little shit-hole with no air-con and an outdoor toilet. But having secured an address, he’d be able to make eight, nine thousand Baht a month, easy.
That 500 Baht would be nothing to me, but would mean everything to he and his family.
All looks very sketchy when it’s written out straight like that. Must confess, though, that I was pretty impressed with the elaborate craftsmanship with which he had devised the grift. It took him a good fifteen minutes after approaching me before he uttered, “You know, if I’d known you all my life, I’d have no problem asking you for help; but I’ve only known you five minutes.” (Pretty sure it was a good fifteen by that point; but, hey, who’s counting?) And it took him a good nother fifteen minutes before he did ask me for help.
In the end, and seeing the writing on the wall, he asked me for 10 Baht to get some water. When I offered him some of mine, he basically said To hell with it, and walked away — then turned around and asked me tell any security personnel who might ask that he’d not been asking for money.
The Bangkok Symphony Orchestra concert was straight-up phenomenal! You may recall how much I enjoyed seeing the Hawaii Concert Band’s free monthly performances in the Park; but these cats, they’re playing on a whole other level. Makes sense, of course: Bangkok’s tax-base is certainly oodles higher that the Big Island’s. Funny thing is, though, they were all clad in jeans — from the conductor on down.
Before the concert, there was an emcee handing out party favours. I’m beginning to understand that the before- and during-concert gift-givings are as important as the music itself. See, they ask a buncha trivia questions, and whoever shouts out the right answer gets a prize.
At one point, for example, after the band having played the Rocky theme song, it was asked where the scene of Rocky running up the stairs had taken place. I think this was the only question with even a semblance of English in it, though some of the between-song banter was in English. Somebody shouted out “Philadelphia!”; and that somebody was winner-winner-chicken-dinner.
The music was a mixture of “legendary” Hollywood scores (really loved their arrangement of the James Bond medley) and Thai classics. All of these last sung by a rotating cast of characters — including, on one song, the conductor hisself. (His was the best, actually.) The program isn’t in correct running order, and in fact is not even inclusive. But it’s interesting to note its bilingual character.
Anyhow, so, the before-concert prize was this big huge 2012 Propaganda calendar. So the first few were given away by trivia question, then the emcee asked for help in giving away the remainders (I later realised), and dude seated next to me (later turned out to be the one responsible for handing out the mid-concert favours, and even sang on a few songs) pointed at me. The emcee asked if I understood what was going on, I shook my head “No,” and he handed me a calendar.
I was then tasked to turn around and acknowledge the gift, to the audience’s delighted applause. I executed the “Wai” gesture…
…which, apart from jaywalking and (natch) ogling the food-vendors’ inscrutable tableaux, is my favourite thing to do here. (Hope the Thais don’t think I’m being a poseur in doing it with such frequency.)
After the big calendars were all gone, they hauled out a buncha smaller ones, and it was a down-home free-for-all. Propaganda-calendar-mania right there in the park!
Here’s the band’s take on The Beatles.
Word to the wise: if you think it’s easy to eat two kilos of longans all in one go, it isn’t!
