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Hey dipshit

The following article was published in the Onion, a very funny spoof on newspapers. However, this comical article probably explains better than a long boring discussion, which you wouldn't read anyway, why the United States has been so successful and is so widely hated being capitalistic and what would happen if you got your way and capitalism "fucked off now" and was replaced with your socialistic ideals. See if you can make it through the one-sentence paragraph that talks about production problems in the USSR, tie it in with the section about workers "willingly becoming less productive," and then try to engage your brain and figure out why we won the cold war.

By the way, having ten thousand useless links in your blog text adds no value except to prove that you are not alone in your stupidity.

AMHERST, MA—The filthy, disorganized apartment shared by three members of the Amherst College Marxist Society is a microcosm of why the social and economic utopia described in the writings of Karl Marx will never come to fruition, sources reported Monday.

"The history of society is the inexorable history of class struggle," said sixth-year undergraduate Kirk Dorff, 23, resting his feet on a coffee table cluttered with unpaid bills, crusted cereal bowls, and bongwater-stained socialist pamphlets. "The stage is set for the final struggle between the bourgeoisie and the proletariat, the true productive class. We're well aware of that here at 514 W. Elm Street, unlike other apartments on this supposedly intellectual campus."

Upon moving in together at the beginning of the fall 2001 semester, Dorff, Josh Foyle, and Tom Eaves sat down and devised an egalitarian system for harmonious living. Each individual roommate would be assigned a task, which he would be required to carry out on a predetermined day of the week. A bulletin board in the kitchen was chosen as the spot for household announcements, and to track reimbursements for common goods like toothpaste and toilet paper.

"We were creating an exciting new model for living," said Dorff, stubbing his cigarette into an ashtray that had not been emptied in six days. "It was like we were dismantling the apparatus of the state right within our own living space."

Despite the roommates' optimism, the system began to break down soon after its establishment. To settle disputes, the roommates held weekly meetings of the "Committee of Three."

"I brought up that I thought it was total bullshit that I'm, like, the only one who ever cooks around here, yet I have to do the dishes, too," said Foyle, unaware of just how much the apartment underscores the infeasibility of scientific socialism as outlined in Das Kapital. "So we decided that if I cook, someone else has to do the dishes. We were going to rotate bathroom-cleaning duty, but then Kirk kept skipping his week, so we had to give him the duty of taking out the garbage instead. But now he has a class on Tuesday nights, so we switched that with the mopping."

After weeks of complaining that he was the only one who knew how to clean "halfway decent," Foyle began scaling back his efforts, mirroring the sort of production problems experienced in the USSR and other Soviet bloc nations.

At an Oct. 7 meeting of the Committee of Three, more duties and a point system were added. Two months later, however, the duty chart is all but forgotten and the shopping list is several pages long.

The roommates have also tried to implement a food-sharing system, with similarly poor results. The dream of equal distribution of shared goods quickly gave way to pilferage, misallocation, and hoarding.

"I bought the peanut butter the first four times, and this Organic Farms shit isn't cheap," Eaves said. "So ever since, I've been keeping it in my dresser drawer. If Kirk wants to make himself a sandwich, he can run to the corner store and buy some Jif."

Another failed experiment involves the cigarettes bought collectively. Disagreements constantly arose over who smoked more than his fair share of the group's supply of American Spirit Blues, and the roommates now hide individually purchased packs from each other—especially late at night when shortages are frequent.

The situation is familiar to Donald Browning, author of Das Kouch: A History Of College Marxism, 1970-1998.

"When workers willfully become less productive, the economy of the household suffers," Browning said. "But in a society where a range of ability naturally exists, someone is bound to object to picking up the slack for others and end up getting all pissy, like Josh does."

According to Browning, the group's lack of productivity pervades their lives, with roommates encouraging each other to skip class or work to sit on the couch smoking pot and talking politics.

"A spirit of free-market competition in the house would likely result in better incomes or better grades," Browning said. "Then, instead of being hated and ostracized by the world at large as socialist countries usually are, they could maintain effective diplomacy with their landlord, their parents, and Kirk's boss who cut back his hours at Shaman Drum Books."

The lack of funds and the resulting scarcity breeds not only discontent but also corruption. Although collectivism only works when all parties contribute to the fullest extent, Foyle hid the existence of a $245 paycheck from roommates so he would not have to pay his back rent, in essence refusing to participate in the forced voluntary taxation that is key to socialism. Even worse, Dorff, who is entrusted with bill collection and payment, recently pocketed $30, a theft he claimed was "for the heating bill" but was put toward buying drinks later that night.

"As is human nature, power tends to corrupt even the noblest of men," Browning said. "The more power the collective has over the lives of the individuals, as is the case in this household, the more he who is in charge of distribution has to gain by being unscrupulous. These Marxists will soon realize they overestimated how much control they would like 514 W. Elm as an entity to have."

-- Posted by: Karl "Eddie Tews" Marx on August 27, 2003 01:00 PM

Eddie, I think we'd all appreciate an honest answer to these questions. Those of us with half a brain in our heads already know the answers, we'd just like to hear you admit them:

1. Do you or do you not cheer when U.S. soldiers are killed in Iraq?

2. Do you or do you not root for any and all forces opposing the U.S. in its endeavors in the middle east, even if those groups modus operandi is violent, lethal, guerrilla attacks?

3. Hypothetically, IF the U.S.'s policies towards the middle east were to work, would you want them to?

If you answered "no" to either of those first two questions, or "yes" to the last one, you're a fucking liar and you know it. Why? Because whenever those things happen (or if they were to happen), it makes you look "more right"; if those things weren't happening, you'd have nothing to argue, you'd just basically look like the pretentious, self-important windbag you really are. In the case of the last question, you'd look especially stupid, so we all know you really are only wanting peace on YOUR terms and via YOUR methods, whatever they may be.

So let me say thanks, Eddie, for sitting back and enjoying the freedoms our democratic society offers you, and the technological luxuries our competitive, capitalist society provides, all while you curse the country that provides you with these things. You do all of these things from the comfort of your home, yet somehow feel that because you purport to be the champion of all the poor "niggers" in the middle east that that is the extent of your responsibility. You even have the time to make a post about some lame jazz or blues musician to passed away (about whom nobody gives a shit, especially people fighting to survive in the middle east). Yeah Eddie, you're clearly SO concerned about the plight of suffering humans in this world. You're just a whiny, nippy little lap dog that never shuts up. If you were serious, you'd quit hiding behind your keyboard and do something.

You fucking pussy. You make me and tons of other people in this great nation so sick its not even funny anymore. But that aside, why don't you quit dodging my challenges and the challenges of other posters and reply? You have a readership of about four people, and have of them disagree with you. Moron. -- Posted by: Greg Taylor on August 27, 2003 03:36 PM

"You're just a whiny, nippy little lap dog that never shuts up. If you were serious, you'd quit hiding behind your keyboard and do something."

Ed is doing something. He's posting on the internet, a great medium to convey information. He is telling people that a problem exists, something you fail to understand. Secondly, nothing wrong with bighting the hand that feeds you when one's freedom is guaranteed. Complaint about the government is a good thing, and should always be encouraged to foster progress. Nothing is perfect. -- Posted by: Robert on August 29, 2003 04:30 PM

Don't mind these egoistic Americans. The more they side themselves with Bush, the more stupid they look to the rest of the world. The mentality of "either you're with us or against us" is not one bit constructive towards peace and solidarity. Glad to be Canadian! -- Posted by: David M. on August 30, 2003 04:12 PM

You know.. Only until this simple minded planets population is stricken with something so tragic that it hangs in the balance of obliveration will these egotistical , evil, spawns of hell come to relize that they can be touched. Somwthing that just may happen soon. -- Posted by: You will know latter on March 26, 2004 12:44 AM