Free Agents

The "Provisional Authority" is planning to Steinbrenner the Resistance's ass by hiring "former regime elements" to come play for the "Coalition". As we know, it is precisely these "former regime elements" that are currently carrying out attacks upon "Coalition" forces.

It logically follows, then, that after the "handover" is complete, that either attacks upon "Coalition" forces will cease, or that the Bad Guys will have to call some new "fighters" up from the minors.

Assuming (just for the sake of argument) the latter, there are a few possible groups from which the Bad Guys might draw to fill out their side. (We'll set aside the logical conundrum presented by the Civilised World hiring Bad Guys to play for it. We'll furthermore set aside the question of just who -- given that Saddam is in custody, that his "former regime elements" have now switched allegience, and that the overwhelming majority of the Iraqi population is opposed to the resistance -- comprises the "ownership" of Team Bad Guy.)

• Foreign Terrorists. Maybe. But the resistance is, by most accounts, largely homegrown. Heck, even the U.S. Military agrees with this analysis. Here's Brig. General Mark Kimmit, for example: "We believe what we are seeing in Fallujah are former military, perhaps former Saddam Fedayeen, perhaps former Republican Guard. How they fight indicates military training, rather than terrorist training." And the U.S. military ought to know "terrorist training" when it sees it. We again see the shrewdness in hiring away these "former regime elements": if you can't beat 'em, co-opt 'em.

• As Donald H. Rumsfeld has helpfully explained, in a ringing endorsement of Saddam's legal system, "Every jail in that country was emptied, so on the street are looters, hooligans, and bad people." They may have neither military nor terrorist "training", but perhaps it's time for a Team Bad Guy youth movement. Throw the rookies into the fire. They aren't going to get any better sitting on the bench. Maybe. But, alas, H. Rumsfeld has also noted that, "They have to be rounded up and put back in." And indeed, "they" have been: Iraq has been described as "Guantanamo on steroids". (How's that for a "banned substances" metaphor?)

• Flying Monkeys. Well, sure. Why not?

We'll have to wait to get the official word from commissioner McClellan. But the oddsmakers have installed the Monkeys as an early favourite.

Update, 4/29/04: Donald H. Rumsfeld has revealed another possibility: "What's going on are some terrorists and regime elements have been attacking our forces, and our forces have been going out and killing them."

In other words, while former "regime elements" are working for us now, current "regime elements" -- that is to say, taking orders from either the U.S.-picked Iraqi Governing Council or the "Provisional Authority" (or perhaps both) -- have taken the "former regime elements"' place in attacking "our" forces.

Call it an own goal, if you like.

Incidentally, while "terrorists" may or may not be attacking "our" forces, we would do well to remember that the attacks themselves should not be considered acts of terrorism, but, in fact, a legitimate form of resistance to occupation.

Posted by Eddie Tews at April 27, 2004 07:38 AM